How did you get so beautiful?

Someone asked me this question a few weeks ago. They didn't mean physically. They meant how I got to the point where I bring beauty wherever I go. Let me be clear: I don't always bring beauty. Close friends and family can tell you how ugly it gets. But, I do the work to bring beauty as often as I can and I forgive myself when I don't. The point is: I found it to be a fascinating question and one that resonates with the purpose of this column.

We all have beauty to share but we often hide it behind the doubts and fears that living in society instills in us. This column is meant to address themes and experiences that have us bring beauty wherever we go. I call this 'living out of love.' 

I hope you will find this journey inspiring, or at least entertaining. My goal is to be real about the things we go through as we evolve to find that beauty within ourselves. I want to create a community of people who choose to bring beauty wherever we go. In the meantime, here are my initial reflections on the question:  “How did you get so beautiful?” 

The Doing versus The Being

There are more than a couple ways to answer the question but they ultimately speak to a significant difference in how we approach life: are we doing life or are we being in life? 

The first - the doing - would imply an answer that narrates almost chronologically the story of my life. The places I have lived, the training I have done or even the stint(s) at the shrink I've had to go through. I think everyone has a fascinating story but I hope you will find no offense when I say that the story is not as relevant or relatable as who you are being at any point. If I focused solely on the things I did or what happened to me, I would risk understanding my life as a product of my circumstances or past. Victimhood.

The being, on the other hand, speaks to a more relatable dimension because it conveys something broader about the human experience. We share more similarities in being joy, power, courage, honor, delight, spirit, fear, anger, doubt, or any number of other qualities that describe how we are in life.

I got to be beautiful when I started relating to people from their being (not what they are doing), while also acknowledging and being responsible for my own. I choose to act out of love and from the distinct positive qualities that make me, me: warmth, power, delight, catalyst and brilliance. I also relate to people from their greatness, not their lack or fear. When I do that, I feel more connected and I am able to create more for myself and for others.  

Acting out of Love   

A man I loved dearly taught me long ago what it means to act out of love. I was very unhappy at the time because I couldn't let go of the past and brought to my relationship with him all the pain and hurt I had shelved from a previous relationship. "Please act out of love" was a hollow request at the time, not because I didn't have love to give - there is always love in us - but rather because I was unwilling to let go of the past. I had created little space for the new relationship to flourish, for I was acting out of fear that the hurtful past might repeat itself. 

It wasn't until years later that I realized we always have a choice to act out of love. That choice comes from the understanding that we are more than what is manifest in the physical world. There is a connection to spirit that is profound and that will always encourage us to be love, wherever we go. When we don't act out of love, it is because we are attached to the mundane: to the stories of previous heartbreak or disillusionment. 

And, no, when I say spirit I'm not talking about organized religion, although that may well be the practice for you. I am talking about that thing you do where you feel most connected to something grander, divine, where you experience utmost peace and where everything becomes clear. Where you know outside of the mind.

I got this beautiful by tapping into spirit. By letting love in and consciously choosing love over fear. Divine over mundane. By allowing the vibrancy of spirit to support me in seeing everything that stems from fear differently. When I let that happen, miracles happen around me. Things I cannot explain or deny.

Letting Go

Did you notice in the previous section, when I was describing the relationship I was in, that I said I was unwilling to let go of the past? Letting go is a product of willingness, commitment and forgiveness. 

The moment you commit to letting go you stop stalking (yes, you've done it too!). You stop dreaming of the life you could have had. You allow grief to cleanse you. You reestablish your commitments and dream new dreams about the future you want to create. When you are committed, you focus every day on doing the work, however tough, to live in the present in service of a different future. 

Forgiveness is important to let go. In the moments when I have experienced most heartbreak - which are generally the experiences I have had most trouble letting go of- I have found that I didn't have to forgive others as much as I had to forgive myself. Learning to acknowledge the good in everyone, including myself, and telling myself that they, as well as I, are only human, has supported the practice of forgiveness. 

I got this beautiful by choosing to see the best in every situation. By thanking others for the lessons they have taught me and by choosing, from a strong commitment to myself, to forgive and let go. When I do that, I open the door to possibility and to new beautiful dreams. 

But, above all, I got this beautiful when I chose to love and trust myself. But that is worth a different entry.

Now, you. How did you get this beautiful?